How to put your feelings in order after a breakup, 7 ways to cope with the feeling of loss

7 psychiatric attitudes to cope with a breakup

 

 

First, it's a time of shock and numbness. It is difficult to accept the fact that a close loved one has left, denial, anger appears. Or they may be numb to all their senses. If it's predestined, it may just pass.

Second, it is the stage where you want to see your loved ones and get them back, so you are looking for them.You may find someone you have been close to, or you may stay up all night thinking about that person. Feeling frustrated, angry, or sad.

Third, it is the stage where you feel depressed and hopeless while accepting it as reality. You may experience depression, sleeplessness, and loss of appetite.

Fourth, it is the stage of recovering one's life and collecting oneself. When you recall the memories you have with your loved one, you feel sad, but it's also a unified emotion that allows you to feel the joy of being together.

However, if the patient does not recover after 6 months or 1 year, and the pain of loss and depression become strong and severe, it can be considered a "depressive disorder". Dr. Sam Wook Choi (Department of Psychiatry) explains, "Duration is important, but if the person's autonomy, resilience, emotional maturity, and special circumstances affect it, and it appears excessively, it becomes a target for treatment."

 

In particular, if you have the following symptoms, you can be diagnosed with a depressive disorder.

(1) Feelings of guilt not related to the death of a loved one;

(2) When you have severe suicidal thoughts that you have to die together.

(3) Immersion in one's own worthlessness

(4) Mental activity and behavior are severely slowed down.

(5) When daily life itself is difficult

(6) When you have auditory hallucinations of seeing or hearing voices of a dead person

 

In this case, it can be considered as 'persistent mourning' or 'pathological mourning' and can be diagnosed as 'depressive disorder'. If the ability and efficiency are reduced to the point where it is impossible to continue with daily activities, and the body becomes unresponsive, treatment is required.

 

If we look at the characteristics of depressive disorder due to loss, it is 'blame' and 'punishment' of oneself. It often leads to grief and self-abuse. So what kind of people are particularly incapable of mourning? Is it because the love is exceptionally deep, or the more sincere the love that has departed, the more difficult it is to forget?

 

However, if you look at Kim Hye-nam (psychoanalyst) <Do I really love you> she says, "No." When lovebirds go through a bereavement, they quickly find a new love that defies the expectations of others. It is said that whether or not to mourn well is a separate matter from the depth or sincerity of that love.

In some cases, couples who have lived in love with each other have a more severe grieving reaction than couples who have lived in love. The worse the relationship, the worse it gets. It's because of the guilt that 'if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have died.' Feeling sorry for the other person and regretting the past comes flooding in, and they suffer severe aftereffects.

But death is no one's fault. One needs to realize that death is not at their disposal and to be free from guilt.

 

Below is an excerpt from Dr. Chung's article.

"A child who persevered, believing that he should not shed a single tear at home to protect his mother, who was suffering to the point of death. During the counseling, the child was talking about the picture and text of Ilbe in his school uniform and said, 'Sir, I'm sad. Why do I have to be ridiculed like this?' It is only when the emotions come out that the real healing begins, and from that day on, the child began to bring out his emotions with difficulty, like a baby taking its first steps."

If you let go of the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one, the wounds of your body and mind will deepen. As Dr. Jung says, "Real healing begins only when emotions come out," mourning requires the expression of emotions. You should not hold back your tears because you don't want to show weakness or because you want to show self-control. Tears wash away your grief and allow you to get out of it.

Dr. Choi explains, "Avoidance responses that suppress emotions make the symptoms prolong even more." Expressing your emotions will help you overcome your pain more quickly. If you talk about and share your grief without forcing yourself to hold it in, you will come to accept that sadness and joy exist together. The ancestors' singing, chanting, and crying are also a kind of ritual.

 

Third, constantly remember and recall what you have lost.

According to Dr. Meng Jung-hyun's <The Black Magic of Melancholy>, if you try to forget, you will not be forgotten. This is because the object is grasping the libido (desire).Rather, we should remember and recall it. The amount of libido invested in the object is depleted in advance.

For example, an analyst is said to have been approached by a depressed woman whose lover had gone to the army. The analyst tells the woman a story. Keep her remembering, and keep talking about your lover.

Then she accepts that her lover is gone. At some point, we don't talk about it anymore. It runs out. Of course, the process of remembering will be painful. However, this is the price you have to pay to detach your libido from the subject. It can be seen as a mourning work for forgetting.

 

Fourth, maintain relationships with others.

Director Choi advises, "Don't isolate yourself after experiencing a loss." If you're with someone, it can remind you that you're not alone. Even if you feel isolated, family, friends, or even neighbors can lend a helping hand.

You can have lunch together, have a coffee group, or get together with people who are going through the same pain, such as bereavement. If you can't go outside, it's a good idea to keep in touch with someone every day by phone or email to relieve your loneliness.

 

Fifth, write.

According to the Harvard Medical School's Health Beat (HHP), expressing your deepest feelings through writing can improve your mood and health, as well as your immune system. Director Choi also advises, "Keep an emotional diary."

You can write for 15~30 minutes every day. If you feel that writing is still helping you, you can increase the period of time by a week or a month. Be honest about how you feel and why you feel the way you do. You don't have to worry about grammar or sentence structure, you can write comfortably. Writing down your feelings is a form of ventilation.

 

Sixth, there must be two deaths.

Participating in funerals and rituals is an opportunity to reaffirm the fact that the deceased has departed. At the same time, it helps to overcome what used to be limited to personal grief by sharing it with others, empathizing with and sharing the pain.

 

Seventh, if you show signs of recovery, it is good to meet another loved one. In Darian Leader's <Why Are We Depressed?> Lacan says that one of the most important things about mourning is to "give up the self that the dead loved one." The reason we can't forget the dead is not because they were important to us, but because we were the object of their preciousness.

Lacan says that mourning is "mourning the self that the person lacked." I was the person he needed. Mourning is about letting go of the person you loved.

You have to let go of the self that the dead loved and start loving another love. Of course, it's hard to meet someone you can't do without. It's not easy to find someone who needs you and who can be something that you lack in that person.

Mourning is cutting off a part of me that was mobilized to fill that person's deficiencies. You can erase the aspects of yourself that were important to that person and complete your grief by starting your daily routine.

 

Help : Dr. Sam Wook Choi (Serious Psychiatry) 

Book: Junghyun Meng <The Black Magic of Melancholy>

Kim Hye-nam: <Do I really love you?>

Darian Leader: <Why are we depressed?>